the in between time by Kimberly LeClair

I used to always think things like “I should do _____, it would be so fun” (fill in the blank with some exciting creative project) and then never do it.

Something has changed.

Now, when I have an idea I’m doing it. I’m actively engaged in several projects, have completed some and am happy with how they worked out. I have energy to keep going.

And ... I have no idea how to feel or think about myself at all.

It’s actually very very strange....

I know that as humans when we go thru transitions and periods of change our inner identity shifts and we have corresponding emotions. The image of the trapeze artist as she lets go of one bar and hasn’t quite caught the next one - the moment of raw terror when the man loses his job and doesn’t have a new one yet - the feelings we all get when we suffer a loss and we keep expecting to see our loved one in the old familiar places but they aren’t there. I’ve heard about these transitory times before, I’ve even had some of my own experiences.

But I still feel really weird. There’s a void there, I feel it on the inside - I don’t quite know how to talk about what I’m doing - the brain structures, the language, they aren’t quite there yet. And something else --- I’m aware of some really old inner demons knocking on the door of my psyche. Lots of inner chatter about how none of this is really possible, how I’m really not a very good person at all, how I will never be able to move forward and do bigger things, how at any moment the entire world will start laughing in unison.

So this in between time, it’s tough....really tough... My hope is that as I keep moving forward, keep doing what I have energy to do that I will eventually feel Stronger in this New Life. I will eventually have more Integrity on the Inside, talking about things will get easier again, I will have a better sense of who I am again.

Until then, I’m positive that I need support structures on the outside to keep reminding me that I’m on the right path, that I’m actually still here and a complete person and all will be well. I need to be honest with others about what is going on for me, as best I can, to keep any gnarly knots of shame from growing. I need my True Friends. People who can simply say “of course this is what you should be doing!” -- That statement is like a lifeboat right now.

As I write this the word Hope is standing out for me - in this in between time Hope is there, hope that there is a time when this will all feel more solid, when I will feel more Solid again.

Hope and maybe Faith and Trust too....and True Friends --- these are my companions, my lifelines, during this in between time.

Kim LeClair has been a shadow creative for the past 40 years but is finally deciding to come out into the light. Kim is In the Process of Creating her Dream Job....Creative Director of east willow studios. For now, you can visit her at one of her other adventures -- MoveJoyUs or fitness for mere mortals.